Pole Fitness

My parents watch my kids while I work.  Today was a work day, so Vivian was at grandma and grandpa’s and Caitlyn was at school.
This afternoon when I picked them up, grandma told me that Vivian had been pole dancing on the wall.  (Grandma is aware of Denise’s occupation, which I actually call “stripper”.  My kids, on the other hand, believe that she is a security guard.  Or so I thought.)
Um, wait….what now?
She said that dad showed her and Caitlyn videos of pole dancing when they were at his house the night before.  She showed me how to do it – it involved grabbing a door frame with both hands and kind of wiggling her little tush.  It would have been cute, and probably funny, had it not been modeled after pole dancing.
Remaining remarkably calm for the panicky hot head that I actually am, I did some gentle questioning and found out from Caitlyn that they did, indeed watch videos of pole dancing last night, “because dad and Denise wanted to”.  And she told me that Denise “is a pole dancer for her job”.
So what were the people in the video wearing? Leotards.  (Thank god they were wearing clothes.)  And what did they do? Climbed up a pole and danced. Umm, why? I don’t know, I guess it’s their job?
It was a good thing my phone was in the car, because Carl had obviously lapsed in judgement (again).  It took a bit to get everyone ready to go.  As soon as we were all buckled in, though, and “waiting for the car to warm up”, the text messages started flying out of my phone like lubed up lightening.  The first was to Philip, telling him that I might need bail money later.  The next was to Carl, because he’s an idiot.
Are you fucking kidding me? You showed our 3 and 8 year old daughters videos of women pole dancing? And told them that Denise is a pole dancer? Are you serious?
          I showed them an 8 and 9 year old doing pole fitness
Kids shouldn’t be pole dancing and you shouldn’t be letting them watch it.  Use some judgement.
Pole fitness is something that people of all ages do it is part of gymnastics now it’s not  
something bad.
Well you just wait until Caitlyn tells a teacher or her counselor that her dad’s girlfriend is a pole dancer for her job, because that’s what she told me.
I can’t wait for that phone call from school.

pole fitness
Um, no.  Just no.


Cast of Characters

Names have been changed to protect the innocent because I don’t feel like listening to my ex bitch about reading about himself on the internet.  And he can’t prove anything because his name isn’t really Carl.

Carl – My ex-husband.  He’s 35 36.  We were together a long time, close to 20 years, and married for 13.  Honestly, I think he’s kind of an ass and if he just disappeared one day, I would be cool with that.
Denise – Carl’s girlfriend / baby mama / sugar mama (is that a thing?).  She’s 22 23 and a stripper.  From what I surmise, they were sleeping together within two months of him leaving and she ended up pregnant.  She does naked “pole fitness” for a living (I call it being a stripper, but whatever) and Carl stays home with their spawn, Henry. (Though I recently found out that they both “entertain” adults online, on demand, for money.  Go ahead and puke now, I did.)
Laura – Carl’s aunt.  He moved to her basement when he moved out of my house, and has now ended up back in her basement.
Karen – Laura’s daughter.  She has two kids, one a little older than Vivian, and one a couple years younger.  She’s living with Laura now too.
Caitlyn – Mine and Carl’s oldest daughter, who’s  8 9 going on 16.  Also known as Blondie.  She’s a sassy little thing.
Vivian – Mine and Carl’s youngest daughter, who’s almost 4.  She’s cute, but a handful.
Philip – The man who melted my frozen heart after I swore off men forever.  He hasbucket infinite patience and holds me when I cry.  Honestly, I wish he were my kids’ father, but I’ve never told him that. Until now.  Get that bucket, baby.

I’ll add more as necessary, so feel free to reference this if you’re confused about who’s who.