It’s been kind of a rough week.
I went to Paint Nite Monday with my friend Joelle. It was fun, but the evening was a rush, as it always is when I try to get the kids home then right to their dad’s so I can get where I’m going on time.
I decided mid-week that I needed answers from Stephen, about why he made the choices he did. So I sent him a message, and the ensuing conversation took place over a 24-hour span. I got the best answers I’m going to get, but it opened up that floodgate of feelings. I don’t deal with feelings well. When I first met Stephen, I had this wall built up around my emotions. He quickly figured out how to get in there and tear it down, and held me while I cried because the destruction hurt. That was one of the reasons I loved him like I did. My best work friend, my “cool aunt” because she’s too young to be my work mom, told me, nicely, that I either need to forgive him and see if he’s interested in trying things again, or let him go. I agree. I guess I feel a little more settled now that I have those answers, though I worry that he just told me what he thought I wanted to hear. I’ll be damned if I don’t find myself longing to be in his arms just one more time though, feeling safe and loved as he kisses my forehead.
That whole thing put me in a bad mood for a portion of the week. It was payday this week (yay!), but that meant it was also bill paying day (blech). I got my creative on a bit. I had some ideas of different ways I could do the painting we did on Monday, so I started those. They have to be done in stages though, to let the paint dry. I haven’t figured out if I’m using a different kind of paint that it takes longer to dry than when I go to a class, or if I’m just glopping it on thick. (I do like glopping it on.) I also decided to do one of my own design, which didn’t come out as planned but is still decent. I’m not a good painter, but I do like using it as a creative outlet. I haven’t felt much inspiration for photography lately – I need to take my “inspiration move me brightly” tattoo more to heart. I’m just not seeing anything I want to capture. When I do, it’s early in the morning or in the evening when the light is that wonderful, full, brilliant last light of the day. I never have a camera nor the time to stop on those occasions it seems.
V came home from school sick yesterday. She has a fever and a cough and a stuffy nose. I hope it’s nothing more than a cold. RSV is going around her school. We’re supposed to go to Disney on Ice tomorrow – a Christmas gift to them from me – and I hope she’s feeling better. No one got much sleep last night between her coughing (I let her sleep in my bed) and K’s sleep over with two friends. Nine and ten year old girls are like short teenagers – they are loud, messy, and eat everything. Plus there is gratuitous eye rolling. I still have that weird headache over my right eye that I attributed to the lingering sinus infection. I’m going to the chiropractor Tuesday, as it does align with the spot that has been tight in my neck for weeks now. If that doesn’t help, obviously it’s a brain tumor and I should seek medical advice from WebMD, right?
Off to eat the leftovers from the pizza I brought home for dinner last night but nobody would eat – the short teenagers don’t like pizza this week, apparently.